Hello. I’m back again.
I’m suffering with headache now, no idea if it was caused by the fact that I am an unemployed-23-years-old woman now or I’m just watching too much Netflix these days. I guess both are right.
I still can’t believe that five days after I wrote diary in this stupid blog one of my best friend passed away. For the record I’ve mentioned her in this blog. It was Monday, February 13th 2023 around 5 to 6 pm. I got called from my friends. I already had a bad feeling from that call actually, somehow my heart was beating so fast. I was so scared. I usually do not pick a call from people except from my family and urgent call. I decided to pick that call that day because I just sensed something was wrong. It turned out I was right. She passed away, she could not win that battle, she didn’t make it. She promised us to get well soon but I guess God knows what’s the best for her. After hearing that news I felt nothing at first. My heart was just beating so fast. I just couldn’t believe it. Days before her death I was told by one of my friend that her condition was getting worst. It’s not like I did not believe in her that she would make it but this disease that infected her was one of the rarest cancer (Rhabdomyosarcoma) in medical history. You know when it is rare it most likely to has lowest chance to survive. But it was just a glance thought because 90% of me believed she would make it. Apparently she could not make it.
At the day I received that news I really felt nothing, really nothing. Actually I really hate myself since I couldn’t attend her funeral, I really hate myself because she was always there for myself but I could not say a proper goodbye to her. I really hate myself for that. Nothing I could do but just give a prayed hoping those whishes would reach her. I don’t know if it would work but screw it. I hope those prayed reached you there because I don’t know what would reach something that does not even exist in time and space dimension anymore. I really hope it did. I feel like I am a bad friend, in fact the worst friend that could not even say goodbye to her. I was not even there when she fought her disease, yeah I am that worst friend. I am the worst, I admit that. But you have to know that deep down I do really care for you, I really appreciate you. If you think I am the worst, it is okay because I am one. But one thing you have to know I love you as my best friend, for loving me as who I am. I’m thankful that I shared one of the best memories in this world with you. I’m thankful that we met that day, the day that I asked you for paper news and it turned out you were really a nice person. I’m really glad that we shared all stupid things together. I’m glad that we shared our favorite music and movie together. I’m thankful to spend my teenager’s life and my pre-adult’s life with you. I’m glad to be a part of your life. I’m really glad to be your friend and to have a friend like you. No words can describe how glad I am to encounter someone like you. You are the best thing that ever happened in my life and I am sorry I could not say it to you directly. I am sorry. It is too late, I know. But it is just a matter of time I guess, in the end I would follow your road. See you again, I guess.
I do not know how long this grief/mourn is gonna take, in the end life goes on. Whatever happens in my life is just a part of an event in this universe. Even if my world is crumbling into madness, it is not gonna change the fact that sun will still rise in the east and then set in the west. I already accept those facts but it is really difficult to carry on my life. Can’t tell if I am just super lazy or burn out or whatever it is. I just do not have this urge to keep on living. No idea honestly.
Even the idea of I will graduate in one month does not excite me. I used to wait for my university graduation but now I feel like it is useless, it is just another day. My family especially my parents are very exciting for this moment but I can not pretend like I am rooting for this moment. I just can’t. Now I feel bad for my family especially for my parents that has been waiting for this moment. Okay, let’s just pretend for a moment, Yun. Let’s just pretend that you are happy to graduate from this hell. Let’s pretend for a while!
I have no idea what is going on around me and inside me. And the world does not give a fuck for what I have been through as well. Nothing I could do but to keep carry on life, let’s start over. Somewhere new. With new me, if that is possible. I really want to be ready when my time to dies has come. I want to come prepared because I do not want to go to hell. That’s all I ask. I’m fine if I die today as long as hell is not the place where I would end up at. I swear I’m fine with it.
I don’t know.
It’s been 19 days without you. I think I already learnt the fact that you are not here anymore. In this dimension.
LET'S ENJOY 