It got me thinking that how long I take to heal myself it seems I won’t heal. I don’t know if it was an effect of chronic procrastination or I just burnt out. No idea. But I think it was caused by chronic procrastination. You know I really took my time to finish my stupid final project. I rejected a lot of opportunity in that phase just because I was trying to focus on finishing the damn final project. Now that it is already over I do not want to do anything. I just want to lying around. I think I am just lazy or maybe I am afraid to take the next step? Probably.
I’ve got something to accomplish honestly, it is not like I completely lost. It just whenever I want to prepare myself for the next chapter somehow I just end up procrastinating. Why do I do that? I guess I am just afraid of another failure and discomfort that I will face in the next stop. I know nothing comes easy in this life but I feel like I am not ready yet. What’s the point of rushing it? I always have that in mind.
Nothing lasts forever in this life, so it does myself, so it does to everything around me. I lost my beloved pets two years ago, last year I rejected all good opportunities coming to me, I lost my common sense last year, lost the opportunity to graduate in time, and in the beginning of this year I lost one of my best friend. Yeah, it really does prove “nothing lasts forever”. Some I accept them but some I’m still processing it.
I have no idea why I throw away all good opportunities coming on to me. Like I was invited for job opportunities, but I feel like I’m just gonna blow it. I feel like I do not deserve it even before I try to fight it. Yeah, what a loser I was. No, what a loser I am! I guess I am just afraid of disappointment because I know that it does really hurt when you try your fucking best but still losing it. I know how it feels. Then someone that do not even know me judge for the choices I make. I’m sick of it. Before even try it, I know I am not gonna make it. Now I’m just waiting for another opportunities that suited me and is worth enough to try.
I wasn’t myself for the last two years, well since I’ve come this university I have never been myself actually. The last two years was really different case though. Like last year, I caught feeling for someone I just met. Damn, at that moment I knew my common sense was leaving my body. I was blinded by that stupid feeling just because I never felt that way before. I know it is stupid but like I said I was blinded and I could not even think straight. So I got my heart broken last year which distracted me to focus on my responsibility. One of the reason why I postponed my stupid graduation and took my time to heal for doing nothing for the past few months. Just forget that, it was so stupid of me, and I am still moving on by the way. And… I read it somewhere. You can not forget someone that leave significant impact in your life, you can’t. You just continue your life and then meet someone new that can somehow manipulate your mind by thinking that apparently you can forget them. You do not forget them but the brain of yours just shift its significant memory for someone new that ready to heal you maybe? As time goes by, it may differ to person, but the point is it takes time! As time goes by you think you can move on, they no longer linger around your thoughts. Honestly, I want to meet someone new. I know I should focus on myself first, how can someone like me when I do not even like myself. But I have this silly thought that I feel like that person can heal the wound that I can’t afford to heal on my own. I do not know but that is my recent thought at the moment. In the future I may think that I need nobody in life, they are just a distraction.
Well, yeah that’s all.
How long does it gonna take?
LET'S ENJOY 