[DIARY] 20210523 No Idea

Sunday, 5th of May 2019

That picture was exactly taken two years ago. Wondering where I took that picture? No need to tell you 😛 I think your memory is not that damaged you know. Just try to remember it. Well back to the picture. I went there with a friend. This friend’s life is amazing, this friend so strong, sometimes I wonder will I be able to survive if I were on this friend’s shoes. This friend’s life indeed amazing. This friend got a strong heart and mind to survive.

Why did I bring this up? Well many things happen lately. My habit is just surfing into my old memory, trying to feel that I was this happy before why I got stuck now. I am a memory keeper because my mind is just pfft so I need a backup like memory card to save all the events that need to be backup.

And exactly 4 months ago, I lost my memory. Every memory, every moment, every single thing that I backup there gone. I never knew it would happen. It just happened. I wasn’t prepared. I tried to convince myself that my mind is not that bad at reminiscing something. You know memorable experiences will stay forever in my brain. But if I was given a long life to live I think it is gonna hard to remember those memories, we are human after all.

I tried to forget it but in this hard times, this is a perfect time to reminiscing old days. A slideshow that could tell me “Your life is not that miserable, you still have a good experience.” But it has gone. I’ve got nothing. Nothing to reminiscing.

Well, I feel like I already lost it. Things that are happening to me these days, leave me speechless. I really do not know what to do anymore. This is already out of my control. There is nothing I can do but keep waiting and hoping for the best. Nothing works these days no matter how hard I thrive for it. It’s like useless.

Help me, it's like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
No medicine is strong enough
Someone help me
I'm crawling in my skin
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can't

The verse above potrays what I’ve been feeling since months ago. Even I could not focus at my studies at all, literally at all. I should study harder, but my mind could not focus. I am trying my best but there is a little thing that keeps bothering me. Preventing me to sleep well, like I used to. I’m still able to fall asleep but these days I need something to trigger me to fall asleep. I watch movies before going to bed these days. I watch movie like Marvel Cinematic Universe or I watch cooking videos or I watch Knowing Brothers.

I was searching for the lyrics tho and I found something interesting about this song. Apparently Shawn Mendes said that this song was the closest song to his heart that he’s ever written. Me too, Shawn. Me too. I did not know this song was pretty depressing, idk how to explain it, I thought this song was something explicit (you know there is label explicit in Spotify that kind of song that considered unsuitable for children) but after I listen to it “Damn this song already appended into my listen-to-these-songs-whenever-you-feel-depressed list!”. I did not search for this song, I listened to the cover, covered by TXT. After I got stabbed through the heart by the Huening Kai’s voice I try to find the original song.

Well, when Shawn said that this song was the closest song to his heart I think I understand about something. Something that everyone that has to deal with, something that sometimes make they want to give it up but they can’t because that’s not their forte. Ya, I’m pretty sure all adults out there has/had/having this kind of issue. This is something that I’ve been dealing with these days. Nothing works it seems like the only way to end this struggle is give up but I do not want to give up because give up has never been on my dictionary. But thanks to my damn college, I already add give up word into my dictionary. I can’t help it. But calm down, I am not gonna use that damn word. We’ve come this far just to give up? Let this damn universe fail me, I should not fail myself. And I am not gonna let this damn fate to fail me. After what I’ve been through? Nope, dude.

Meanwhile Zombie by Day6, by the way this song is already one year old. I still remember when the trailer of this song was released I got freaked out because of a verse that hit me so bad. This verse was sung by Jae by the way.

내일도 다를 것 없이
그저 잠에 들기만을 기다리며 살아

I don’t know dude. Zombie is too much. This song really wraps up all of my frustation just in a single song. You can just listen to the song and read the lyrics sijak buteo kkeut kkaji. I think I do not need to elaborate all the stuff that I relate to this song, because it is already well-explained. But there is some verse that really cut my heart because those verse is exactly I am ranting about these days. Again, it was sung by Jae. I do not know was it because the way he sang it really really well or the lyrics was just amazing.

This meaningless life
편히 쉬고 싶어도
꿈꾸고 싶어도
아무것도 하지 못해

When I keep thriving for it, it seems meaningless. It’s like there’s nothing I can do more. I really do not know what to do next. Do not know where to go.

You know BTS never fails to make that kind of song depressing song. But it is different from the two songs above. Those songs was like expressing how you feel about your problems, I think it can mean different to another people but I am just trying to generalize it as wide as possible. But Zero O’clock it’s like someone is trying to understand about your feeling and then tell you that you are gonna be okay. At least when I heard this song I am not that immersed into useless feeling about my life because there will be hope as you start a new day.

Well I am thinking about that everyday. I always think that there will be tomorrow, so I have chance to make it up and start a new day. But sadly these days it’s like what Zombie says I always get the present that I don’t want even if I was trying to avoid it in the past as the best as I can. But there is nothing gonna change right whether I think positively or negatively. Fate will stay at its fate. So, I am just trying to think that I believe that tomorrow will be better even if I got betrayed like almost every day. I believe there is a day that is gonna pay all those frustations. At least I can close this particular issue and start another issue. So, I like to make a new issue? No, dude. I just want piece. But that is not life. When you live, I think you have to be ready to face lots of issue in your life. And I am just trying to close this issue correctly so I can move on to another issue without having to giving it up or regret it. I just want this issue can be solved the way it is supposed to. Just that. I just hope tomorrow can be nice for me.

Turn this all around
When everything is new, zero o'clock